The only true mission of any organization is survival. Companies where “excellence” is embedded in its culture are invariably in the spotlight, run by overachievers and are candidates for hostile takeovers. Companies that live by tidal trends will sink or swim, and frequently drown in the undertow.
But our computer simulations prove that survival correlates best with unobtrusiveness, and all major trends are doomed to collapse from their own weight. Survivors coast under the radar.
Therefore, we are pleased to offer these “Guides for Cautious Executives” who yearn to stay in the back of the pack. Mediocrity, once achieved, cannot be denied. It will carry a company through thick.
We asked what organizations are truly mediocre models. Our average panel voted these companies, brands and entities to be unexceptional:
- Ford
- France
- The Pirates
- MSNBC
- Kmart/Sears
Cautious managers are not in the limelight. We have a process that identifies nega-trends, based on the Principle of Omission. We studied whatever is not in the news, what is not a fad. We have proven that nega-trends, once identified, can be used to justify the most comfortable course.
Combining the habits of the most mediocre institutions with nega-trends, we’ve come up with eleven immortal “Guides for Cautious Executives,” If you observe them dispassionately, you can achieve everlasting indifference.
Here are the first five. We don’t want to overburden you cautious ones, so we’ll save the last six for the next issuance.
1. Innovation: There’s nothing new under the sun. Innovators are degenerate boat rockers. The patent office should have closed a century ago, because there is nothing left to invent. New products are for high rollers; you should “Know when to fold ‘em,” and that’s now. Don’t try anything new and risky.
2. Human Resources: The touchy-feely black hole. People are the way they are and you can’t change them. You shouldn’t try. Watch out for today’s fads, such as “Talent Management” and “Succession Planning.” These are the fruits of the educational “Self Esteem” movement and, heaven forbid, could lead to “Social Computing.” Don’t try to understand people and change them.
3. Solution Selling and Customer Relationship Management: No match for a shoe shine, a cigar, and a smile. If your salesmen talk like psychologists, they will drive you right to the couch. Good ol’ boys are the way to go. Your customers should just buy your products, not you.
4. Strategic Planning: Contemplating the Corporate Navel. Mediocre planning must be pure, uncontaminated by mention of implementation or accountability. We must fight the alarming tendency to shorten the time-frame of planning. Forget about the next three years and concentrate on the far future, when things should calm down. Remember:
- Planning should be done only by planners, not doers.
- Any plan of less than a ten-year vision is an exercise in expediency.
- Communication of the plan should be limited to those empowered to revise it. Broader exposure can cause corporate unrest.
- Preach and live the doctrine that contemplation is the highest calling.
- Leave no stone unturned. If all are turned, turn them back. Further study is prudent.
- Always play for the tie.
